Another New Leaf

It was another birthday for me yesterday. 38 years of insignificant life. I don't want to be harsh to myself but that's how i feel. I want to start living a happy life no matter how insignificant it is. A "Soul Makeover" could be the answer. Start to live life in the right frame of mind. Start organizing, dream once again, make something happen. In the end, just live happily.

I would like to do something for myself and for the sake of the people I love. I am afraid I have lost myself. I am not me anymore. The very Me was altered drastically by the miseries that I have suffered. I want to be a better person. Better than before. Better than now. I would like to start by declaring the Things I would DO and NOT DO this year:

I will Sing more often. Laugh more often. Be genuinely happy.
I will Pray more often. Hear mass regularly with my family, at least with my kids.
I will Avoid saying bad words and curses.
I will Take care of my health. Eat more lettuce and bananas. Exercise more. I will stay away from salty and sweet foods.
I will Make memories with my kids. Take more photos. Make our own family rituals.

I will read more books.
I will learn new skills (this year, Caregiving).
I will organize my journal and post more.
I will conduct my everyday life simply and quietly.
I will expand my genealogy search.

I will organize my schedule.
I will start early everyday.
I will work harder.
I will attend more professional trainings and self development.
I will clean my name.

I will try to be affectionate to my husband. It's all that is left.
I will try to be sensual again. Where has my passion gone?
I will admire the beautiful things around me.
I will have faith in myself.
I will have dignity and respect for myself again.

That's the list I have right now. Maybe tomorrow I could think of some more. I would try to everyday read and keep these resolutions at heart. I hope something good would come out of these declarations. At the end of my 39th lifeyear I will check this list and assess my accomplishments. Would my life, my soul and my happiness improve...I'll see..

The House of Spirits

Blanca Trueba in the movie "The House of Spirits" says that her mother's diaries helped her understand how events in their lives were interconnected. I forgot the exact words. I wonder if it is in Isabelle Allende's novel. I haven't read it yet and I couldn't find a copy in the local bookstore. I would find the book soon. I liked the movie.

These words make me ponder on my life and its relationship to the events that took place in my past. Deep in my heart, i want to know where it would lead and finally take me. For my life is not over yet.. and I've always felt, it has not yet begun..

I am not righteous.
I am not noble. No, not anymore. I lost it in the course of my suffering and hurt.
I am not a person of impeccable integrity. I have commited mistakes. I have commited crimes.
I would not say I am not a liar. I may not have been honest at some point in my life. But truth has always been my foundation.
I am not virtuous. I try to cultivate my own values and principles.
I am hurt.
I am struggling.
I am surviving.
I forgive. I find it hard to forget.
I believe in love and above all in life.
I believe we can change the course of destiny if we chose to. I know it. I witnessed it. I just hope in the future I can change it for the better.

And so this, journal. I should write for posterity. I should write for therapy. In the end I just want to know what went wrong and if there is still something I could do to make it right. I want to start living. I want to be happy.