I have set what I wanted to do this year - and what not to do. I have made resolutions. Up to now I am still trying to follow them. As I reviewed them, in my opinion I'm not doing bad at all.
And suddenly, something came up again. Something drastic has to be done in this lull point of my life. Every proof is banging over and over to my head and I am doing nothing. I know what I should do but every time I do it, it just seem like a practice in futility.
I resolved to leave my husband. I did not include it in my resolution because those are the things that I wanted to do within this year. And I have to wait. Besides, when you are on the brink of ending a relationship, you will always find time to give it another chance when you wait. So I wait. I will leave my husband, but I will wait. I will wait until something comes and pulls me out of this dug.
I admit I cannot do it alone anymore. For how many times I have done this but whenever I see my kids spent and exhausted after days of looking for me, and after sending me heartwrenching messages, I am shattered. I cannot stand the mere look on them looking at me with begging eyes. They don't have to say any word. I would just hug them and everything will be alright. And there, I would give it another try. Have myself ready for another sacrifice. Sacrifice my own happiness just to make them feel okay.
I once took off with the kids and everything else that we need. I took an apartment. The owner was amazed that I was able to move in on the same day. The kids and I spent the first night sleeping on the living room floor. All of our things were still in disarray. The kids were tired and so was I. And for the first time in my miserable married life I felt peaceful, relieved, warm, contented. It felt like a thorn was pulled out from my heart. As I turned off the lights, I cuddled them in the dark but it felt so wonderfully bright all around us. It's as if we were sleeping in a cloud of lights. And I could hear their gentle breathing. I felt they too have felt what I was feeling. We slept peacefully.
But it wasn't for long. The next day he barged into my office. Not saying a word, but I can read into his piercing eyes the words he could not say, "what happened to us?". Outside the office, on the car parked beside the adjacent restaurant, his first words were, "Asan si Batching?". It was as if a knife pierced my heart. That was all he cares? He said he wanted to talk to our son. Just talk. I called up Paolo and gave him the phone but he refused it. And then he said he wanted to see them. So, I arranged for the kids to meet us at the mall so he could see them. But just like he refused to talk to Paolo, he refused to meet them at the mall. He said he wanted to visit them to where we are staying and check if the kids' "living condition" was acceptable. We had a long argument until I got exhausted. My boss advised me earlier in the day that should my husband wished to see or visit his kids, I should not deny it to him. He was their father after all. He has every right to see them. And I have every right of custody according to my lawyer friend, since I was the aggrieved party.
I didn't see any positive emotion on my son when he saw his father. His face was hard and questioning. "Bakit narito ka?" was his cold remark to his father. I felt a pain that I couldn't understand. My little girl showed neither resentment nor excitement. She was quiet when her father hugged her. The kids retired to their room with the old nanny who was on her first day. We didn't talk. I didn't have the inclination. I was tired. But he wouldn't go when I asked him to leave. He insisted on staying and talking to me. We slept together that night. I woke up looking for the kids' company. I went to their room and started hugging them and kissing them. The little girl was her naughty little self. We tried to wake up her big brother by kissing him and hugging him. Paolo was half awake when I spoke the words to their ears, "Wake up kuya Paolo! You are the man of the house now. You will have to take care of us now. Batching and I will look up to you from now on. Get up! Get up!". And that was when I saw him there, standing by the half open door. He heard what I just said. His tears were rolling down his cheeks. He was crying silently. I felt sad for him. Not remorse. Not regret for what I said. Maybe pity. He retreated to my room. I followed him there. He cried silently. He said later that he now feels our circle and that he could not break it and come in. He was outside the circle. And he cried. I hoped then that he would never forget that day so that he could learn his lesson, that he would realize what he had just lost. Maybe he did. His first visit was followed by another which became daily until it was as if he lives there already. No he doesn't have any clothes there, but it sure accumulated to some. He would visit at night and would stay there until the morning when he would go back to mind the shop in Subic. It was not an arrangement that we had agreed upon. He just insisted on doing it. And it irritated me. I wanted him to be totally out of my life if not out of the kids'.
Now, the nanny that I mentioned above was an old woman who came in to work the next day we moved in. It turned out she was a monster who mistreated my little girl every time I was not around. I noticed the change in my child's behavior. She became physically defensive every time she hears anybody shouts. She would shield her head and face and would ran frantically under the table to hide. I asked my eldest son if he was hitting her or would act as if he would when they're squabbling. No, he would not do that to her little sister and would never do. He was most of the time in school and I at work the whole day. And one day, I caught her. Just after turning my back and before going out of the gate, I felt something is wrong and that I have to go back to check. So I quietly walk back home. There, my little girl was screaming, struggling and crying "Mama! Mama!" as the evil monster throws her on the floor like sack of rice. My heart bled and I cried. She promised it would never happen again. One day, while tidying up my kids' things, I found some of my personal things on her drawers. Things missing that I wasn't aware of. I talked to her about it and again she said she would not do it again. But things kept missing - toys, kids' dresses, food (never mind the food,but groceries stocked on the pantry and ref? and my kids would complain that they have not eaten every time I arrived at the end of the day?), jewelries and money..and who knows what else..
I don't know if it was the will of God or just stupid serendipity that the person who would rescue us from this predicament was the father of my kids. The same man we left because I could not take our own situation at home. It was a stormy day and the water kept getting higher and higher until we were flooded to the heels. My son and I just got over from the flu and my little one was having a high fever then. We were helpless. Eric came and took us away, kicked out the "monster" nanny out of our life and found us another place where we lived together again.
I couldn't regard him as a hero. Everything had changed between us after so many things happened in such a span of a year. Our marriage had hit rock bottom and I could not be happy anymore. After so many blows in our relationship i finally accepted the fact that things will never get better. I gave up.
I left the relationship because I could not leave the man who insisted on having me but also kept on hurting me. And it was almost two years ago today that I ceased to be a wife and instead remain as a buoy for my children. Time will come. God will hear my cry. He will turn a new leaf for me. I will wait..
